I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
