Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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