My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
