I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
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