Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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