Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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