Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
