Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
