Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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