Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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