Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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