if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
