So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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