The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the liver wants what the liver wants
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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