I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
