Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
