4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
