She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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