Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
zippers are such a cool invention
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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