I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
