I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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