I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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