this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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