He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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