I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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