this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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