I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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