im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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