Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
