Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
