Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
