Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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