My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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