dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
