Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
