My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
