Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
