my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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