I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
