Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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