Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
