Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
