my sisters under your porch take her home
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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