I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
