I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
