I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
