I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
