You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i drank out of a bidet.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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