i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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