My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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