i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
