Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
