I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
