I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
