I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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