Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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