Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
