my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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