There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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