she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
