I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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