I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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